Dear Ashley, Date: 28-04-11
For long I wanted to tell everything that I had for you in my mind. But gutless I am, I kept it locked. In these final moments I open my heart to you... only you. Hope you will understand what you mean to me. Please don't judge me by this, but accept that you had someone, who loved you with pure emotion and spirit.
Ashley, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. I had never realised it, until your laughter tickled my senses. Those were days of madness. I agree I was never interested in guys, but then I was not interested in women either. And then one day I heard you, in the cafeteria. You were sitting there with your friends oblivious to my presence. And I was totally lost in you. What, why, how... I cannot answer. For me my first love, at first sight were you. When I realized it, I was scared and confused. I didn't know that I would ever feel this emotion called love. And that too for a woman. I couldn't accept it. I felt weird. I couldn't sleep the entire night. Your face and voice haunted me. Every musical strain reminded me of you. I hated that feeling. I felt like throwing up.
But then next day, you joined us at our office. You were given the cubicle next to mine and I knew I wont be able to help it anymore. I let my heart fall... deep into the pit that would only end with me.
I started looking forward to seeing you everyday. I loved your presence, your smell, your voice, your laugh, the sound of your breath, the way your hair curled, I loved your everything, I loved you... Your tears used to hurt me, when you turned pale my heart dipped. When I saw you low, I wanted to grab you and envelope you in my embrace, cover you with kisses and keep you safe from every vice. I felt like killing John for giving you flowers, but when I saw your smile, I melted. I was addicted to it. It kept me going but it also kept me off my sleep.
How many silent nights have I cried thinking of you. How many times have my heart broke when I saw you with John, hugging him, teasing him, even kissing him. It pained. All that which could have been mine was somebody else's. I used to fight with god, ask him why...why was I in a position that I couldn't ever profess my love to you? Why couldn't you be mine? Why... why... why???
Today I saw you walking down the aisle, with your arms in John's. I wished you to be happy, wished you everything good but also wished that you be mine in the next life if there will be one.
So, here my love, while I fly down these 30 stories, I open my heart to you. I have written my feelings in the air that's around me. Hope it will reach your soul with your breath and that my love for you will get a place in your heart.
Darling, for one last time- I love you now and forever :)
As written in news paper 29-04-11
"Thirty years old Mary, ends her life, by jumping down from a thirty storied building. The reason for suicide is unknown. According to her neighbours and colleagues, she was a loner and has no family, friends or any relation to call her own..."