I have always heard that God created two amazing creatures - Man and Woman! And he also put a marvellous plan in place i.e., to create more of the same species, these creatures have to come together. The trouble is – to get them together… into a bond!
If Adam and Eve are our ancestors then I might be my husband's or boy friend's n-th generation sister!!! But then who cares? Even if you swear that you don’t need a guy to live on, your parents, siblings, relatives, neighbours, colleagues, and sometimes even friends (phew!!!) are desperate to get you laid! I think more than the parents it’s the aunts and cousins who have this itch that –‘Hey why is this one roaming free, when we all are screwed?! Let’s get her to kiss her happiness and freedom good-bye’. And these pile of 'well-wishers' stream into your house under the pretext of sympathy and rub a kilo of salt on your parents' cuts, wounds, bruises, scratch, and any damn opening in their body. If they find that these people are not wincing, then goes all the masala and tadka. Yikes!!!!
And the heat begins. Frantically your parents start searching guys for you as if there is going to be a great flood and all the male specie will be extinct after that. And in front of the society, it’s only their daughter who is roaming alone and virgin (so they think!), while all her friends, their friends’ daughters and the neighbours’ daughter are married with a bloated tummy! Lord! What a curse! So the main motive is to get rid of that curse. It begins with – a decent looking guy, with a decent background, good job and family. After a long search when the patience begins to lick the door of cold grave, the search pattern turns to - what the heck! Anyone is fine, as long as the doctor has certified that this creature is a man (!).
Now starts the grind. Matrimonial sites, greedy brokers, pestering aunts, concerned neighbours, nonsensical astrologers, blah blah blah, all compete with each other to make your life miserable. Every night you will crawl into bed after a battle with yourself, your sanity and insane parents who by now are convinced that either something is wrong with you or with your stars (poor souls, why cant people allow them to roam peacefully in their orbit?!!!). Funny as it may seem, for, when you see any guy’s profile your intuition says – uh oh… not this guy baby. You are wasting time pursuing this – But try putting this across to anyone, even the walls turn deaf! Your crying, cajoling, emotional blackmailing will all be attributed to the cursed time you are going through. All of a sudden the Gods take vacation, stars have a ball and your astrological chart turns astro-illogical. Every animal that you would have seen in zoo and in your fifth grade science text book attains holy position in your house. Each and every tree, stone, grass, mountains, and every shrine become your parents' favourite hangout. And there wouldn’t be a part left in your body which will not be carrying a holy thread or amulet.
You are dragged into a new phase, where you meet guys, which you despise. But for the sake of peace you succumb. You are hardly given a chance to say no, even to the ugliest pig on the block, and you are expected to gracefully swallow the insult of ‘checking and trashing’ that every 'eligible' guy you meet will do. The best thing? Yeah, your relatives mumbling under their breath – ‘how will anyone like her? Have you seen how she behaves? She is an arrogant useless woman! She doesn’t have any wife-like quality in her! And to top it she has high hopes! She should learn to compromise (which they will never allow their kid to do, even if he/she wants to).’ Tell them that you don’t want to stand in front of any guy ‘like a maal’ they would say ‘but beta that’s how it is. You know Meera aunty’s daughter met 20 guys before she got married. But now what? She is married to a good guy. He works in London.’ And you think, with your jaws touching the ground in your mind, WTF!
After fifth meeting your self respect starts waning. And your family’s discomfort will be on rise. To add fuel to this fire we all have a lion’s share of aunts and neighbours. So the hunt goes on, in full swing. And the rejection points keep adding to your list of ‘to-be-improved’ (and you complain why nobody likes you!) –
• ‘Oh, the girl is good, beautiful, but she will not be compatible with our son.’ And you have half the mind to say – ‘do you think that bugger even deserves me?!’
• ‘Oh the girl is short’- you think – ‘then marry Sushmita sen!’
• ‘Hmmm… She is good. But a bit on the heavier side’ – you think – ‘your son is no Salman. He will give complex to Adnan Sami or Walter Hudson’
• My favourite has and will always be ‘She is perfect to be my bride. But… she doesn’t know how to walk and sit’ – You think- ‘You want to marry or get me to walk on ramp!’
You fail to understand what your parents want. And especially the guys! Many a time I have heard my friends telling - men are from Mars and women are from Venus. If so, who the hell is from earth? Dinosaurs and eunuchs? May be. The former being the prospective in-law and latter, the guy you meet.
Your parents are confused and you are disillusioned. They go to every astrologer in sight, like an aids patient, who is fully aware that there is no cure for his/ her disease. This great man would be living in rags but predicts of your riches. One look at your parents’ faces and he knows – good, these people have a useless daughter who could not hook a guy till now- He closes his eyes, opens and runs them through your astrological chart, scratches his head because in front of a prospective client he cant scratch elsewhere and in a grave voice he will say – Her planets are dating the wrong planets in the wrong orbit. And their laying position is completely wrong (huh? - you think- will the 'congress of the crow' do?)! This is all because of her previous birth!’ Your previous birth history will be dug out from the grave, where your old body will be tossing and turning impatiently because of this nonsense. You will be made to feel sorry for something that you are not even sure if that existed. And even if it did, funniest part is, your parents of this birth will be paying price for what your parents in last birth did.
Well the fun continues. Every guy on the street now becomes your parents’ prospective son-in-law. Given a chance they will hang a board outside their house ‘Marry our daughter and avail a beautiful surprise offer. Hurry offer valid till our daughter lasts’. They start talking philosophy while you are losing your psychology. They ask you to bring someone but are scared what if you actually do. All possible doors are knocked, windows yanked, peep hole looked through, to find you a perfect match.
Finally the day comes. The guy meets the girl, the girl meets the guys, both like each other; the guy likes the girl and her family. Her family likes him too. The girl likes the guy and his family and his family too reciprocates. But the families fail to like each other!
Now begins another battle!
I think... God must have really been crazy when he created his two most wonderful creations...